A few weeks ago my husband and kids went to visit the grandparents, and I had three days to myself. I painted my nails, ate guacamole while watching a movie…oh, and had minor meltdown of sorts on the couch because I got so overwhelmed about my lack of direction with my art practice. No big deal.
On the first day all to myself I created the “Peaches” piece from the Southern Summer Collection. I thoroughly enjoyed the solitude, and it was the first time I had been able to create in some time. The second day I allowed myself to experiment with one of the most abstract works I have ever created. It was fun…and confusing. I took a break, painted my nails, and on day three I was at a loss. I hadn’t had that much time to focus on my creative work since college, and I wasn’t sure what to do at this point. I have been frustrated with my lack of direction for a while, but it all came to a head that Monday morning.
I knew my guys were coming back soon, so my time to work uninterrupted was fleeting. I sat down and didn’t really know where to start. I laid out all the pieces I had intended for the Southern Summer Collection, and it felt like I was doing it all wrong. I just kept hearing all the voices I had read over the last several months saying to niche down, find my style, and make sure my art is recognizable. I felt like I had not done any of those things because I don’t just like painting one thing or one certain way. I don’t like just landscapes or just florals or just one specific style, and I felt like I was limiting myself trying to choose one thing. I felt like I had wasted a bunch of time and the collection I had been planning wasn’t cohesive. I felt completely overwhelmed and all over the place.
It sounds super dramatic, and I guess it kinda was. Maybe this is what they mean by “tortured artist”, or maybe I am just indecisive and a little crazy. But it felt really big at the time. I felt like I had wasted months working on art and creating a website and researching and studying and trying to figure out SEO and working on discipline and trying to post a freaking Instagram reel at least 3 times a week…and for what?
Total transparency, my prints weren’t selling at all like I had hoped. I had spent soooooooo much time on my website and trying to make sure I was doing it the “right” way. I had purchased mockups so I had nice photos. I had worked on SEO and meta descriptions and things I don’t even understand, but it just wasn’t working. And now I wasn’t even sure I what kind of art I was supposed to be making or if I was even supposed to be doing this at all.
Cue the meltdown where it all just felt like too much, complete with tears and throwing myself onto the couch praying to God to please grant me clarity and direction.
After that moment on the sofa and a piece of cake (this was absolutely necessary), I went back to my desk and painted.
No expectations. No plans to try to sell it. No worrying if it “fit” with anything else or into a certain category.
I just let it happen…and it was one of my favorite pieces I had created in a long time.
It was loose and a little abstract with large swatches of color created by a palette knife, accented by pastel crayons. It was a painting of a pond in Summer, but not just any pond.
This piece takes me back to the Summer evenings when my daddy would throw our poles in the back of his old blue and white truck and take us fishing at a nearby pond. I can still hear the almost deafening sound of the frogs, and I can imagine the smell of the grass, wildflowers, and bug spray. I can remember the way the tall grasses scratched my bare legs as we walked through the field, perfectly content gathering ticks and dirt along the way. And I can still feel the cool evening air blowing my hair in my face as we rode home with the windows down soaking in the smell of honeysuckle.
It sort of hit me after that. This is what it is about. This is why I am doing this. I have to continue to chase that feeling. The feeling of gratitude and nostalgia and joy and warmth and peace and all the good things. That is the reason I am doing this. That is the reason I must continue to remind myself of when I feel frustrated.
I truly feel like God answered my prayer through that piece. He also guided me in a number of ways to throw caution to the wind and post a studio clean out sale on Instagram. It was quite successful, and I realized that I don’t have to focus all my time on a handful of pieces for a potentially static print shop. I enjoy creating new works and sharing and sending them out to homes all over the country. I will still have my print shop, but I will also continue to paint and sell small works in the margins of life and motherhood.
Today I am just reminding myself that I don’t have to have it all figured out, and the way that ends up working for me may not look the way I thought it would. Sometimes you just have to pivot.
xo,